Detained at her majesty’s pleasure (Part Three)

Ramblings from a prison cell 

HMP – LINDHOLME

Her Majesty’s Prison Lindholme is a category C Prison with a capacity of 1,010 inmates. It’s built on the site of a former RAF base near Doncaster and opened as a prison in 1985. The prison boundary, which includes woods and fields, was described by national news media as “virtually impossible to police” and a report revealed “shocking” levels of drug use and violence and a high number of inmates with links to organised crime.

I concur with the Chief Inspector of Prisons who said over two thirds of prisoners claimed it was easy or very easy to get hold of drugs, while 27 per cent said they had developed a problem with drugs since they arrived. Virtually every night I was there someone in my cell was high. There’s no way that screws can control where or how it’s coming in. They catch some of it but they don’t get rid of all of it. A lot of officers are doing the job for three months, then packing it in because they can’t handle the inmates, the aggression, the tempers, the daily flare ups, the fights.

WELCOME

Welcome to Lindholme courtesy of the Queen, 

Ti’s the best rest centre you’ve ever seen, 

In England’s northern lands, with panoramic views, 

It’s celebrity guests give it rave reviews.

Over booking’s a problem but don’t hesitate, 

Get down there today and bang on the gate, 

Memberships are available for months, year or life, 

Men only I’m sorry, forget your lass or your wife.

Accommodation’s so cheap, it’s almost a crime,

The block is secluded and the quiet’s sublime, 

The wings are quite cosy with games you can play, 

There’s pool in the cupboard and darts in the hall,  

And if you want to relax you can do nothing at all. 

The food is fantastic if you’re partial to duff, 

If you like bread and porridge there’s always enough. 

The old grey tea is a world-famous brew, 

A perfect complement for the bromide beef stew. 

Meals are eaten in an intimate setting, 

Fill up your trays because that’s all you’re getting. 

If you sneak a snack for a midnight feast, 

They’ll lock you away like some wild beast.

Staff serve and protect you if you obey all the rules, 

I know we look stupid but they act like the fools. 

When a military man has to quit the mob, 

Where else can he find such a nice cushy job? 

He stands and he watches, he sits and he waits, 

He’s a slick professional at locking the gates. 

Our main entertainment is very novel you’ll see, 

We play something called work which is where you will be, 

Four hours a day, five days a week, 

Top wage is a fiver on a winning streak. 

At Christmas there was a running race around the cell blocks and I decided to stretch the limits of participation by ‘joggling’  This involved me running while juggling balls made from shirt cut offs filled with sugar and salt. I made them in the sewing workshop and smuggled them back to my cell. They became quite popular so I made more for my juggling students. I didn’t win the race but I sure won respect from the inmates who watched and was given the title ‘The Juggler’ for the length of my stay.

I reinforced this title by using my ‘time’ to practise five ball juggling and also started mouth juggling ping pong balls which were permitted on each floor that had a ping pong table.  Juggling practise for me was my salvation and escape. I’d wear headphones listening to music from my  Walkman and for a few brief moments managed to cut myself off from the prism world.

WHAT I MISS

You can take away my clothes, make me wear a prison suit, 

Bang shut those bars and gates,  show me your big black boot, 

Demand my name and number, play your fascist game, 

Rapists, drunks and murderers, you treat us all the same, 

I don’t mind the loss of wages or the risk to my career, 

I can take the lack of drugs and the absence of cold beer, 

Roll call, inspection and lights out make me tow the line, 

You don’t want me to forget I’m here for a serious crime.

I miss good friends and country walks, 

telephone calls and long-distance talks, 

I dream of juggling by the sea, 

reading the fire under the mango tree, 

but above all else that I dearly miss,

 is the sight and sound of laughing kids.

PARENTAL UNDERSTANDING

His mother’s grin and his father’s nose,

Where his thoughts come from no one knows, 

He’s a bird from our nest who’s abandoned his flock, 

When they heard what he’d done t’was a terrible shock.

His mother and father are such a nice pair, 

They thought he’d be trouble when he grew that long hair, 

He listened to Dylan and wild rocking bands, 

Then started to visit strange foreign lands.

His mother and father wondered where they went wrong, 

When he left his homeland and set off for Hong Kong, 

They frowned and wished he’d quit his running around, 

get married, have kids and fully settle down. 

His mother is anxious and his father can’t sleep, 

But there’s no need to worry and no need to weep, 

He grew out of the 60’s and he wants to grow old, 

He just can’t accept all the lies that we’re told. 

For the love of his mother and his father too ,

For the future of people like me and like you, 

Revolutionary sons and daughters are struggling 

You won’t understand if you think they’re just juggling.

CIRCUS OF LIFE

Roll up folks for the circus of life, 

Come sons and daughters, come husband and wife, 

When you’re watching and listening the show’ll begin, 

We’ll have lots of fun, you can all join in, 

Look up there way above us all, 

it’s the high wire walker threatening to fall, 

Is he firm on his feet or close to disaster? 

Let’s applaud together, just a little faster. 

Kids on computers at the very best schools 

It’s an American dream to not raise fools

They can make lots of money or throw it away

Run off with a circus and learn how to play 

You don’t see politicians out there on the streets 

They’re making more deals to keep their soft seats 

They’re spending your money on their petty war games 

With Polaris and Trident and more killer names

Working hand-in-hand with those military boys

They’re plotting in secret behind all our backs 

If you don’t like the system then make some more noise 

How can you keep silent when you know these are facts?