My Mum 1935-2023

“Give us another kiss” was my mum’s request the last time I saw her alive. Three parting kisses were the norm at that stage of her life. She was almost 93 when she passed on. She was ready for the transition. During her last three months her energy and enthusiasm for life diminished drastically. She declined Christmas and Boxing Day visits with my sisters choosing instead to remain in her Care Home, close to her cosy room where she could just drowse away the hours. She was letting go of life gracefully.

I’m so glad that I got to spend my mum’s last five and a half years visiting her regularly and taking her on trips to visit friends and family.  It’s far better to celebrate life than to honour death. She was a great mum and also a devoted wife, nanny, great grandma, cousin, aunt plus a great friend to many. She was dearly loved by us all because sharing love was her guide and her light throughout her life. 

She was certainly no author but kept a small journal listing all kinds of details about her life and those she loved. She wrote, “I was born in Guernsey on 21st March 1931, it was a Saturday. One of my earliest memories  was walking with Auntie Anne and Uncle Len along the road with them to school and watching the sea planes flying overhead. My mum, Hilda Bennett, was born in the village of Shirley, South Croydon.  My dad, Jimmy Dodd, had a French mother and his father was a champion jockey of France. They lived in a Chateau in Chantilly, France but he escaped from that life, met my mother and they eloped; much to the horror of the whole Bennett family.”

“We moved homes often and I went to a lot of schools. Some were awful, some were nice because I made lots of friends. My favourite game was playing dolls and prams which I usually played with my younger brother John. My holidays as a child were spent with my Gran and Grandad Bennett in Sandpits Road, Shirley village. That’s how I met your dad who lived in Badgers Hole just across the road.  We only had two pets when I was young – small dogs – Micky and Chubby.”

“My favourite hobby as a teenager was dancing – and we sang a lot of songs during the war. I was very young when I met your dad. He lived in Shirley and worked for my Grandad from when he was 14 until he was 21 years old. When we were dating we went to the pictures or visited my Uncle Stan and Aunt Lily or my Gran and Grandad Bennett.”  

“The happiest and greatest moments of my life are having my children and then our 25th and 50th Wedding Anniversary Parties when so many family and friends came together. I’ve had lots of best friends. Auntie Peggy, Eileen, Eiry, Pat, Joan, Jean, ……..

Mum grew up living in horse racing stables with her sister Anne, brother Len and younger brother John. Due to her dad’s restlessness she lived in 16 homes before she was 14 and grew to detest horse stables and became determined to live as far from them as possible. When she was 14 she went away to work as a mother’s help in a big house then, when she turned 15, she moved to London to start training to become a nursery nurse.

When mum got married in 1949 England was rebuilding after the war and she lived in a house shared with another family. It was there in Croydon that her first three children were born. After five years she was over the moon to be relocated into her own council house in New Addington.

Two years later in 1957 our family moved to Hawkswood Estate in Hailsham where her and dad got to own their first house, something very rare in our family at that time. Mum loved the old market town which was small and rural but had enough for her…… plus we had milk, groceries, a butcher and soda trucks delivering to our garden gate. The local farmer even came with his horse and cart to drop off his fresh fruits and veggies.

In order to cover the house mortgage mum worked night shifts at Hellingly Hospital for 14 years and made some more lifetime friends. Dressed in her witches cloak topped with her white, heavily starched, nurses cap she would kiss us all good night and head off into the darkness of the haunted victorian hospital.  

In 1961 we moved to a bigger four bedroom home in Harebeating Crescent. Life was good but mum and dad were both busy working hard so all four kids had to learn to pull our weight, learn how to cook and clean and get along with one another. WE LOVE our mum for that lesson…. it served us well. 

All our holidays and outings were spent visiting relatives and family friends in Swindon, West Horsely, Avebury, Croydon, Crawley. That’s how mum taught us the value of loyal and enduring relationships.

Mum was a smoker since, like most of her peers, she started during the war as a teenager. When my nan died from lung cancer aged 56 it was a big blow, she tried quitting and it took her ten hard years but she succeeded and we were all really proud of her. That was long before the days of nicotine patches and gum.

My dad started working for Eastbourne Borough Council as a Clerk of Works and and so they sold up in Hailsham and bought a home in Langney but rented it to my sister while they lived in Assisted Living Accommodation flats where mum worked as the warden/manager.  

In 1987 they moved into their own house which was where dad passed away in March 2002. Mum was able to walk over to the crematorium daily – sometime twice a day – to visit and talk with him. She told me after dad died that she had men try to date her but she declined every invitation saying that there would only be one man in her life.

After living alone for about two years she decided to downsize and bought a flat nearby which put her even closer to the crematorium. In 2012 she was heartbroken to lose my sister and wrote, “Our precious daughter Linda died in April. She should never have gone before her mother.”

As years passed she wanted to make it easier for my other sisters Shirley and Gina to visit and so moved closer in Bexhill. While there she suffered a series of mini strokes sometimes involving falls and with concern from us all she decided to move into a Care Home.

Shirley and Gina had both worked in adult care so knew what to look for and started searching. They chose the perfect place and mum moved into Grosvenor House, St. Leonards in May 2017. She loved the staff and they loved her. Together they would chat away, play cards and drink tea so she got to know them and their family stories and proceeded to persuade Shirley to knit them baby clothes.  When she first went to Grosvenor House she had little jobs like answering the front door and delivering mail. She went on all the outings they organised, sang along with visiting musicians, played bingo, went to communion and joined their knitting club. At the time of her passing there were five Grosvenor staff members around her bed with the manager holding her hand. We’re so grateful to them.

In her journal mum listed all the holidays she went on after she and dad retired in 1974. I never thought of her as a traveler but she loved exploring the world. With dad her trips included Canada, Jersey, St Lucia, Wales, Ibeza, Majorca, Scotland, France Cyprus, Tenerife, Tunisia, Isle of Wight, New York, Lanzarote, Dominican Republic and The Rhine. She made three visits with dad to see me in Hawaii in 1985, 1993 and 2001.

After my daughter Isla was born in 2004 she made the long arduous journey annually for the next nine years – twice with Gina, four times with cousin Brian and five times alone. Aged 83 she made her last trip to meet us in Las Vegas with Shirley. My mum gathered a multitude of travelling adventures and just to stay in touch with me  she flew over 230,000 air miles – that’s equivalent to about ten trips around the world! 

As a lover of live performances mum went to many over the years. She had an eclectic taste and her journal list included:  Gerry and Pacemakers, Show boat, Ted and Hilda Durant, The Seekers, Calamity Jane, Roy Hudd, Ken Dodd, We’ll Meet Again and in 2001 her last entry was attending Barnham on Ice in Jan 2002 with my dad just two months before he died.

A lot of mum’s spirit died with him. She mourned for 21 years with a huge copy of her wedding photo above her bed and his love in her heart. In spirit they’ve always been together because despite claims that “they were too young” their loved endured.

In her last couple of months mum was very, very tired and she acted as if her time on this earthy plane was done. She prepared for her passing meticulously with requests for Eastbourne Crematorium and her wake in the Red Lion Pub. She chose the clothes she wore, her 50th wedding anniversary outfit, and the music she wanted including a farewell song by her all time favourite singer from her favourite days in the 1940’s.  She said they were the best years because people in her world were full of love, helped one another and worked hard together for a brighter and more peaceful future. 

If I was to guess what’s the best advice our mum left us all I’d say that based upon the three songs she chose herself for her celebration it is to learn to love, embrace love and share love. That’s why the song she chose as a farewell had to be by Vera Lynn and it was “The Glory of Love”

Farewell my mum, our mum, our nanny, our great nanny, our aunt, our cousin, our dear friend. Your body has left but your spirit will always be with us …..kiss, kiss, kiss.